if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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