seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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