I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
