He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
