Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
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