Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
