Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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