You're my little dorito
My liver just broke up with me...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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