Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
