Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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