I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
