I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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