I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
