I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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