I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
