I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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