Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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