yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
