Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
