Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
