Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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