My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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