All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
