I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Randomize
