My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
