I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.