:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.