Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
