Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
