If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
