omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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