hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
