U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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