The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
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I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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