Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Boobs are out for the taking
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
