Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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