i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
