so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
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i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
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Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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