You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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