Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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