I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
