Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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