Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
love makes seman taste better
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
