I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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