Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
