Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
