my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
