i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
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We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
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