Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
