Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
