I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
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You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize