You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
