Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
