alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
