That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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