Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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