before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
