you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
