Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
